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Australia and Australians

Stillwater

By Stillwater
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Stillwater

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I did not know this text, done by Douglas Adams. But this man knows the world, and even the answer to it. And, as I love that country and its people, I just have to post (or repeat) it here.

 

Australia – according to Douglas Adams

 

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight”, proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can’t spell either.

 

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

 

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.

 

They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won’t go near the sea.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

 

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho!My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

 

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

 

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

 

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

 

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

 

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on ‘extended holiday’ and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

 

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

 

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

 

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Oz” or “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own Country”). The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

 

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.

  • Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.
  • Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
  • Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
  • The only correct answer to “So, howdya like our country, eh?” is “Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!”

 

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub,” to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

 

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

 

How to identify Australians:

  • They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
  • They pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”.
  • They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
  • They think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga” but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
  • Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it’s a must-have.
  • They don’t think it’s summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
  • Will react in horror when companies try to market “Anzac cookies”.
  • They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

 

Typical Australian sayings:-

  • G’Day.
  • She’ll be right, mate.
  • No Worries.

 

Tips to Surviving Australia:

  • Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
  • The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
  • Always carry a stick.
  • Air-conditioning is imperative.
  • Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
  • Wear thick socks.
  • Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
  • If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
  • Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
  • See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
  • And do not forget the stick.

 

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gumbypickett Life Member

gumbypickett

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Bloody Oath Mate

I don't know if I'm Australian now or not.

But living in Tasmania which is a state of Australia separated 

by Bass Strait, most mainlanders don't know we exist down here.

I'm so confused.

But onya for the Tassie Tiger and Devil.:D

cheers

Gumby

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Bassman Life Member

Bassman

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To all non-Australians, please read this humorous article with your tongue firmly planted in your cheeks. Meaning It must be noted that Mr Adams also wrote quite a bit of fiction. i.e. the phrase "Godszone" is more correctly used by our compatriots in New Zealand. I do agree however, never underestimate the usefulness of a stick.:P

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bvdboomen Life Member

bvdboomen

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Fun to read and many things I can confirm while I visited Australia in 2018. Especially this part:

 

19 hours ago, Stillwater said:

they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger

 

Fortunately, I can't confirm the dangerousity (is that a word?) of some animals. We did encounter some herds of kangaroos of which a local said that we were lucky they didn't swarm our way.

 

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Bassman Life Member

Bassman

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Yes, as our towns and cities expand into their territory the mobs are getting more concentrated and even in the outer suburbs of Melbourne for instance it is not uncommon to hit a roo with ones car which can cause quite a lot of damage. My daughters Hyundai in fact is currently having the front left hand guard fixed from such an encounter. The roo in question was able to run off but I imagine is very sore.

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chumley Life Member

chumley

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2 hours ago, TerribleT said:

Great piece with so many furphys and the reaction in this thread gives us banana benders so many alternatives for Mel - b'n, burn or bin :rolleyes:

I thought Melb'n is where Mexicans come from and NSW was the home of Cockroaches.

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Stillwater Orbx VIP

Stillwater

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4 hours ago, TerribleT said:

us banana benders

Be it the real bananas of the big fibre ones next to the road...

 

2 hours ago, chumley said:

I thought Melb'n is where Mexicans come from and NSW was the home of Cockroaches.

I always thought NSW was home of the funnel web thing.

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Stillwater Orbx VIP

Stillwater

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5 minutes ago, gumbypickett said:

And Launceston is pronounced  as Lonceston not Lawnceston.

That's mainly for the mainlanders.:D

cheers

Gumby

Now I need to learn, mate: I always called it "Lonie", was that wrong?

(Have been there only 4 times, not enough obviously).

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gumbypickett Life Member

gumbypickett

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1 hour ago, Stillwater said:

Now I need to learn, mate: I always called it "Lonie", was that wrong?

(Have been there only 4 times, not enough obviously).

Lonie or lonnie  quite acceptable so long as it doesn't sound

like Lawn. You are now one of us, congrats.:)

cheers

Gumby

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chumley Life Member

chumley

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48 minutes ago, John Heaton said:

No -- should be -  Huntsfemale --- the males get eaten after the act:o

Unlike many other other spiders rarely does the female attack the male either before, during or after he has used his palps for their purpose.

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gumbypickett Life Member

gumbypickett

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8 hours ago, Krono said:

Hiya

A furphy is also now a beer from NSW but yep telling a furphy is the phrase I always think of.

 

https://www.danmurphys.com.au/product/DM_878604/furphy-refreshing-ale-bottles-375ml

 

 

I tried a furphy about 2yrs ago at a pub here in Lonny, a very 

floral taste I found but cheap from the tap. I didn't mind it.:)

cheers

Gumby

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wolfko Life Member

wolfko

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On 1/15/2021 at 7:44 AM, gumbypickett said:

And Launceston is pronounced  as Lonceston not Lawnceston.

That's mainly for the mainlanders.:D

cheers

Gumby

 

I always thought, the Tassies were the mainlanders.:D

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wolfko Life Member

wolfko

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10 minutes ago, Rodger Pettichord said:

I'm surprised no one has mentioned one of Australia's true treasures--it's women. I had a date in Tokyo many years ago with a woman from Australia and found her to be wonderful company--intelligent, witty, knowledgeable, and lovely.

 

Absolutely true. And that's why I'm married to one.:)

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John York Senior Member

John York

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I love the Australians.

 

When I worked in the City of London I mistakenly shipped 400 tons of cocoabutter to Sydney instead of Melbourne.  I cabled our office there to apologise and asked them to pass it on to Melbourne.  They cabled back; 'No worries mate.  We'll pay for it and keep it.  You send another 400 tons to Melbourne'.

 

Having thought I would be sacked, I was congratulated for selling and extra 400 tons!

 

Good on yer mates!

 

JohnY 

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