flyingleaf Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 My wife said to me: "I want a new dishwasher". The confusing part is: I wash the dishes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VH-KDK Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 Karl, I just got a new car for the wife. A pretty good swap I reckon! Talking about which came first, the chicken of the egg, this "joke" is so old that cars weren't even invented when it first came out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sniper31 Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 Um.....confused....what's a 'wife'?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stillwater Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 Maybe "she, who can not be opposed to" needs some tickets for a market survey at Christmas https://www.chippendales.com/ ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Sawyer Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 From Rodney Dangerfield, "My wife is such a bad cook that if I leave dental floss out the roaches hang themselves." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VH-KDK Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 From the late great Les Dawson, "my wife is such a bad cook that the flies lean against the dustbin and groan!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aussieflyer38 Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 30 minutes ago, Jack Sawyer said: From Rodney Dangerfield, "My wife is such a bad cook that if I leave dental floss out the roaches hang themselves." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sniper31 Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 From the U.S. Army, "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Sawyer Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 Just now, Sniper31 said: From the U.S. Army, "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris.D Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 Still can't understand how she burnt the salad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adambar Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 That's not a good sign Karl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
W2DR Posted November 22, 2019 Share Posted November 22, 2019 A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one. The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dadtom65 Posted November 22, 2019 Share Posted November 22, 2019 When I was in the RAF they issued you with a thing called a Housewife. You just can not get away from them. . Derek. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 Old Amos a little stooped slowly shuffles up to the Diners counter and asks for a Hot Fudge Sundae. The girl behind the counter looks at him and asks: "Crushed nuts?" He looks at her and says:" No Arthritis". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adambar Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 If your dog is barking at the front door and your wife is yelling at the back door, who do you do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob Abernathy Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks "Why the long face?" C'mon, someone had to do this one! Happy New Years to all with a fun year ahead with many new Orbx goodies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adambar Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Happy New Year to you Rob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mickel Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 No Rob. No one did. Really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 So I was on my flight home when I looked outta da window and saw thisStay safe people. Cheers k Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 My wife asks me to remind her of stuff. That way, if she forgets something, it's my fault Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodger Pettichord Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 I shared your "wife" jokes with my betrothed. Tonight I sleep out on the patio. Thanks, guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted April 20, 2020 Author Share Posted April 20, 2020 My wife just stopped and said: " You weren't even listening, were you?" I thought to myself..... "That's a strange way to start off a conversation" Stay safe my friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olderndirt Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Often wondered about 'the point of no return' in marriage - methinks you and the missus are well past it - keep going 'til the tracks meet . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted April 25, 2020 Author Share Posted April 25, 2020 On 4/20/2020 at 5:43 PM, olderndirt said: keep going 'til the tracks meet The tracks met a while ago. I only post these things at night when I'm safe ond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 A wee bit of sarcasm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted May 31, 2020 Author Share Posted May 31, 2020 I just got pulled over by the cops. He said "I can smell alcohol". I told him that's because your not respecting social distancing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VH-KDK Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 I asked the doctor for some sleeping pills for the wife. He asked why and I said because she keeps waking up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes........She hugged me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VH-KDK Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 My wife is a sex object. When I ask for it she objects! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adambar Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "your butt is getting really big. "It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards the wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" He answers. She answers, "do you really think I'm going to fire up that big-as_ grill for one little weenie?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robpol471 Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 We fell in love with my ex-husband at first sight. Maybe I had to take a second look ...(Woody Allen) The ideal husband remains... celibate.(Oscar Wilde)I would like a kind and understanding husband. Is asking too much of a... billionaire?(Zsa Zsa Gabor and ... many others) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adambar Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She isn't talking to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
W2DR Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VH-KDK Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 We sometimes say things to our long suffering wives that we don't really mean. Only this morning at breakfast I said to the wife, "will you please pass the salt," when what I really meant to say was, "thanks b*tch for destroying my life!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyingleaf Posted June 7, 2020 Author Share Posted June 7, 2020 Sex is a misdemeanor. De more I miss de meaner I get Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adambar Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 Wife: "do I look fat, can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sniper31 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 I don't have a wife, but these are very humorous nevertheless I should add that my girlfriend does think they are hilarious too...for the most part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adambar Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Just asked my wife what she's was "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all my personal belongings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robpol471 Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 A person goes to the stadium a few minutes before the start of the game and finds only one place free but when he sits the elderly neighbor of the place starts crying desperately. Surprised he asks him why he started to cry and the man replies: "Excuse me but I despaired because he sat on the place where we have with my beloved wifeseen all the races together, also bringing our 4 children but since she flew in Heaven leaving me I'm inconsolable! " Then moved, the person asks him " Excuse me, but why don't you let someone accompany you of his children to ease the pain of losing his beloved wife? " to which the old man always sobbing tells him : "Yes I did it not only with my 4 children but with the grandchildren and all my relatives but today they couldn't because they all had a commitment, they all went to ... my wife's funeral! " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KELSEY Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Also From Rodney Dangerfield, "My wife is such a bad cook, the flies in the neighborhood took up a collection to get the screen door fixed" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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