warren Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.” TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?” ************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m bored!” Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!” Unknown aircraft: “I said I was bored, not stupid!” *************************************** O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.” United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.” ************************* A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.” ****************************** Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7” Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?” BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.” ******************************* The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.” Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.” Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?” Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.” ****************************** While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the heck are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJ Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VH-KDK Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Cheers for this Warren, this has given me a good laugh especially the last one. Many years ago I used to read a monthly aviation magazine and one of my favourite sections contained amusing conversations such as the ones above. Don't be afraid to post some more if you have them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Pugwash Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Enjoyed these... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobnobs Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 I have the little Fokker in sight... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bermuda425 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Hilarious selection! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanderlay Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 8 hours ago, VH-KDK said: Cheers for this Warren, this has given me a good laugh especially the last one. Many years ago I used to read a monthly aviation magazine and one of my favourite sections contained amusing conversations such as the ones above. Don't be afraid to post some more if you have them Yep, Australian Aviation, still got boxes of them somewhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gypsy Pilot Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Thanks, I needed the smile this morning. Dale Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boetie Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Thank you Warren - I did indeed giggle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matthew Kane Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Nice one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hwh86 Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 What a Fokker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Triplane Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Great stuff Warren, Here's a couple more for the collection: “Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?” “N923, the faster you go, the quicker you’ll get here.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “About three miles ahead you’ve got traffic 12 o’clock, five miles.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “How far behind traffic are we?” “Three miles.” “That doesn’t look like three miles to us!” “You’re a mile and a half from him, he’s a mile and a half from you…that’s three miles.” Doug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BradB Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Thanks Warren , you made my week !! . Cheers John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumbypickett Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 On 14/07/2016 at 2:13 PM, VH-KDK said: Cheers for this Warren, this has given me a good laugh especially the last one. Many years ago I used to read a monthly aviation magazine and one of my favourite sections contained amusing conversations such as the ones above. Don't be afraid to post some more if you have them They are very good, I also read those humorous snippets from the Australian Aviation magazine which occasionally I still buy. Good for a laugh Warren cheers Gumby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Fabulous. A really good laugh. Even my wife laughed and that takes a bit! John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mickel Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Sadly AA no longer has that snippet. My personal favourite is from Sled Driver about the oneupmanship re ground speeds. Blackbird won. Followed by the one where they asked for clearance to an FL to which the controller responded along the lines of 'if you can reach it you can have it'. They were asking for a descent clearance... Those with better google foo than me will find them. Edit, found it: http://controversialtimes.com/funny/classic-military-sr-71-blackbird-pilots-troll-navy-pilot-and-civilian-aircraft-with-ground-speed-check/ “Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground.” Got to love that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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