W2DR

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.” Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.” This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.” Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!” Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says. “No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says. “Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich return to the same restaurant and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?” “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy. “Me too,” says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.” Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.” “That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy. The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?” The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Life is full of surprises. You never know what may happen from day-to-day. When my neighbor went into his garage yesterday morning he was surprised to find that he had left the garage door open all night. He was even more surprised to find a nine-foot alligator sleeping under his car. Moral of the story? If you live where I do (central Florida where all the ponds and lakes have 'gators) keep you garage closed. Always..........Doug

Or, in an elevator .

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample.” The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor???” The old man replies, “Yep, and not one of us could get the lid off the jar.”

I am almost 80 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending an 18-year old off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical WNA. If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

How long have you guys been involved in this relationship?

Merci, mon ami.

I love that music. And the place(s) from where it comes. Let the good times roll. Thanks.......Doug

I sat down to do my income taxes this morning and was surprised to see that the IRS now has a much-simplified method for senior citizens. They call it the Ultra-Short Form For Older Folks. It's really easy. Just four steps: 1. What was your income for the year? 2. What were your expenses for the year? 3. How much do you have you left? 4. Send it in.

Who says we senior citizens living in Florida can't think of a quick answer when the pressure's on? A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard-- I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Any knid of restaurant as long as it's in Italy.

We recently took our first visit to Germany. There are few places on earth that can rival Bavaria. But there are two things I experienced there that have changed my life. Standing on the spot at Nuremburg where Hitler addressed the Nazi party rallies. And standing in the gas chamber at Dachau. I bleed for those people. May God never let this happen again........Doug

Almost as good as the 40's and 50's

Thanks again........

Thanks Pete. I had no idea that was coming..........Doug

Welcome to the forum(s). You'll need to tell us a bit more about the specs of your system. What's "best" is the GPU that matches the capabilities of the rest of the system and what you want to use it for - and that's not necessarily (and usually isn't) the most recent or the most expensive.....Doug

I would like to share with you a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you may know, some folks have had brushes with the authorities on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they just waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

Without a doubt for me it's my time spent on Bora Bora. God's island gift to the world. I only lived there for seven days but it was wonderful.

In and earlier post talking about this week's meaningless topic I said all the girls look better at closing time. A terrible misquote. They may all look better at closing time but that's just because they all get prettier at closing time. Please forgive me and try to understand that CRS is a terrible disease.....Doug

I have no idea but I just wanted to say welcome to the forums…..Doug

An accumulation of experience. Over the years I’ve learned….. Mickey’s right…all the girls look better at closing time.

Well said Joe. Exactly what's needed.

I use the support forums when I feel I have something to contribute. If I can't help I don't post. But don't just look at me. Look at all the other knowledge and experience that is lost. I've been simming since FS2 and if it weren't for the support of my fellow simmers I would have given up long ago. Relying on the developer to solve all your problems just won't work. IMNSHO..........Doug