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Humour.. do not read if you are under sixteen

teecee

By teecee
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teecee Life Member

teecee

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Some people have more problems than others with an electric fence. Read on ...

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new-found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, he is in for the surprise of his life. Teecee.

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Patrick Scharnowski Life Member

Patrick Scharnowski

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I have had similar expirences

Me too. It wasn't nearly as brutal, but I learned to stay away from these things as well:

when I was a kid my parents and I used to spend the weekends and summer holidays on a camping ground in Holland (in Winterswijk, if anybody should know it). During the summer the camping ground owners would organize this game called "Dropping", where teams of players would be put into the back of a truck without any way to look outside and then dropped off at a random place somewhere in the boonies after dusk. The task was to find your way back to the camping ground while patrols would drive around, trying to catch you and thus give you penalty minutes (the first team to get home would win free bowling or tennis hours).

Long story short: in order to avoid the patrols on the roads we had to cut across lots of pastures. As you can imagine the biggest danger, beside treacherous cow pat mines or ill tempered cows, were the electric fences. At one occasion I wanted to be smart and just roll underneath one of these fences instead of laborously climbing over it. What I didn't see in the dark was that the high grass obscured another very low hanging wire of the electric fence. Well, of course I rolled right into it and got entangled, too! I got shocked quite a few times before my friends managed to pull me out of my predicament. What a weird sensation! It felt like my veins were expanding and contracting with each pulse of the wire. Not nice!

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teecee Life Member

teecee

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Strangely, I can add something to my own post.

Fishing with my son in law at Westbury in Tas, and walking across a field of long wet grass to get to a part of the river, and Colin, who would never wear wellies, and was soaked to the knees. We came to an electric fence, and as I am almost six inches taller than Colin, I stepped easily over the fence, and Colin, who is not real bright, tried to do the same, with the result that he took a hit right where they hang. I swear to God he went two feet into the air, and lay moaning on the grass for a good ten minutes. We had to curtail our fishing trip and head for home.. I really begrudged him the trout we did not catch that day. Teecee.

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tom_876 Senior Member

tom_876

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haha teecee that is classic, thanks for posting that one up... havent heard of anyone using electric fences for suburban household security before  ??? seems a bit dangerous.

thanks for the laugh mate  :D

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spud Life Member

spud

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haha teecee that is classic, thanks for posting that one up... havent heard of anyone using electric fences for suburban household security before  ??? seems a bit dangerous.

thanks for the laugh mate  :D

Only if your a 'scumbag' up to no good.  But I agree that the shyster type attorneys that lurk out there would love it!

:D

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Maurice_King Life Member

Maurice_King

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If you can imagine attempting to walk with a pair of tennis balls and a pepperoni strung where the real items reside then you get some idea of the aftermath of being the VERY unfortunate teenager who had unfortunately managed to actually discharge the contents of his bladder onto the bottom wire of a Live.Earth.Live.Earth.Live 5 wire fence.

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